RAD Reactive Attachment Disorder

This is not something that I heard “a lot” about. But I was familiar with it. You know how it is, if it doesn’t apply to you, no need to “become an expert”. That was my attitude. I didn’t pay to much attention to it.
I have been a member of a foster parent board for several years now (Total Godsend!) and I have read many accounts of those parenting a RAD child. I can honestly say that after each post, I would give thanks to God for not having to live through that hell. And believe me, these parents live through HELL!
Of course, the Good Lord loves to give me what I don’t ask for. He has a mighty sense of humor. First, “I say” I want TWO children and I end up with THREE…at least for a while…LOL…I have EIGHT now. But my third was a one of those “SUPRISE!!” kind of things considering I had my tubes tied after my second child was born. Ummm, yeh, that doesn’t always work.
Then I thanked God for giving me healthy children because I knew that if any one of them had any kind of illness that they wouldn’t live very long…then Flannel Boy gets diagnosed with Diabetes at age 11…I had a SERIOUS discussion with the Lord that day! I could handle an “extra” kid…but give me one with a potential life threatening illness?! S’rsly?! I didn’t expect him to live much longer. I wasn’t disciplined enough. Well, six years later he is still hanging in there.
Now we have Lil Miss. We go through the adoption interviews and they tell us “ADHD and possible Autism”. I am thinking, “Oh, we have done this (through fostering). We can handle this.”
Then the child gets placed with us. All is well. For a while. There are definitely some behavioral issues. But we are a pretty consistent and “nip those things” kind of parents. (DH especially…) We were told we would need clear boundaries and consistency. NO PROBLEM…this is our “specialty”. Yeh…
I make all the appointments for evaluations because I get a binder that has LOTS of diagnosis…and all are conflicting. So I want her to see my people because I want it done right. The first meeting I have with the therapist tells me within minutes that this child is NOT Autistic, but RAD…and I am slightly ticked.
Okay, I am ticked. I don’t like “snap judgments”, especially when he hasn’t had a full conversation with her. (He has read all my behavior documentation). So I didn’t listen.
Then I meet with my licensing worker and she gives me the go ahead to get all the training that I need and the resources. WOOHOO! I begin with a book, 20 Things Adopted Children Want Their Adopted Parents to Know.
There was a check list. My child matched all but two of the “signs/symptoms”. One symptom I thought was funny and didn’t apply yet, was “PARENTS APPEAR HOSTILE. That is only because we haven’t dealt with the behaviors long enough. But I can see why….Oh.My.Word. I am so learning.
This is taken from http://www.thelittleprince.org/symptomsandcausesofrad.html
Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)


Lack of Eye Contact   (Yet, will often will look someone DIRECTLY in the eye when lying.)
Lack of Conscience  (Will hurt others, yet there often doesn’t appear to be any remorse for what they’ve just done.  These children lack compassion for others and do not appear to develop healthy moral values just from having them modeled by their new caregivers. )
Resists Affection with Parents (RAD children often are known to push a parent away or become STIFF when the parents attempt to hug them or get close to them in any way.  Yet these same children might approach the parent and try to embrace them as a means of control to get something that they want.  These children are often manipulative, and superficially charming with strangers, and may even climb up into the lap of a complete stranger and ask for a hug.  They are known to accuse parents of abuse, or tell others that  a parent is depriving them of basic life necessities such as food, drink, etc… as a means of triangulating or getting sympathy from outsiders.  RAD children appear to lack the ability to give and receive genuine love or affection, and appear to resist all efforts of a parent who is trying their hardest to nurture and guide them.)
Feelings of Entitlement or Arrogance

Crazy Lying (The child will lie about the obvious – and seriously cannot seem to figure out HOW the parent knows that they are lying.)

Risk Taking

Hyper-vigilant/Hyperactive (May have a previous diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder due to hyperactive behaviors and a lack of impulse control.)
Intense Control Battles  (Child is often defiant, angry, and argumentative for the parent but outsiders may not ever observe this type of behavior.  Many times, an outsider might even think that the parent is exaggerating, or maybe even causing the child’s behavioral problems due to being over-controlling or from poor parenting.  Often the child will SNEAK THINGS in the home, even if the parent would generally say yes if the child were to ask for these things.  At times, the child will chatter non-stop, ask repeated questions about things that make absolutely no sense, mutter under their breath, or mumble words in an attempt to keep control of a situation.)

Bossy and Controlling (Usually results in poor peer relationships with same age children, but the child may appear to play well with younger children who can easily be bossed around or manipulated.)

Food Issues (Child may steal or hide food, eat strange things, gorge himself to the point of getting sick, refuse to eat, or even go as far as to throw away a school lunch and tell his teacher that his parents are depriving him of food.)
Intolerant of Rules and Authority   (Appears to be directed more towards parents or family members, but may also be directed towards teachers, babysitters, or anyone in an authority position who happens to be telling the child what he can and cannot do. Children with RAD do not appear to trust caregivers, or any adult authority figure.)

Incessant Chatter or Asks Nonsense Questions (The child sometimes appears to be talking just to hear himself talk, or as a means of gaining control over certain situations.  Sometimes the child will be very demanding or even clingy.)
Stealing (The child will often show up at home with items that belong to others, with unusual or suspicious stories of how they came to obtain these particular items.  School is a very common place to FIND these type of items and the parent and school must work closely to help get this problem under control.)
Destructive to Property (Often destroys his own or others’ property, punches or kicks holes in walls, and breaks his own toys or personal possessions.  Some parents have noted that their children appear to get a sort of  “darkness” in their eyes, as they become angry and enraged.  Some parents also report that their children get a look of self-satisfaction after destroying the personal possessions of family members.  Sometimes these children throw temper tantrums that last for several hours.)
Prone to Depression
Inappropriate Behavior (Quite often, violent or sexualized behaviors will be observed with these children.   These behaviors are often directed towards a parental figure (often the mother), as a means of pushing the parent away.   These children are extremely afraid of trusting/bonding with parental figures, and the behaviors often appear to be an unconscious attempt for the child to insure that he or she will always remain safe.  Many times, outsiders will not observe the severity of these type of behaviors, and may even question the validity of the parents as they attempt to make them understand the importance of monitoring these children at all times.  These children often appear to NOT learn from their mistakes, and despite the consequences…the behaviors continue over and over again.)
Self-Abusive/Abusive to Others (Many RAD children do things to cause physical injuries to themselves or others.   Again, these types of behaviors are more often observed on the home front and directed towards family members.   At times, these children appear to be VERY concerned about tiny injuries (hangnails, small scratches, etc.) yet, they often BRUSH OFF a serious injury (broken bones, cuts requiring stitches, etc) as if it’s not really a big deal.  Always be on alert with these children when they are with younger children or animals.  Children with severe attachment disorders have been known to cause great physical harm to others.   Some have even gone as far as to threaten family members with knives, or to kill a family pet. )
Sleep Problems  (Sleepwalking, Nightmares or Night Terrors, Bedwetting, etc.)
Fascinated with Fire, Blood, Gore,and Weapons (These children will often be seen drawing violent pictures, setting fires, or will be heard talking about blood and gore situations.)
Learning Difficulties (Speech and language problems, learning delays, etc.)
Triangulation of Adults (Pitting one adult against another.  This could occur with teacher and parents, therapist and parents, or even with one parent against another parent
***Please note that not all children with Reactive Attachment Disorder will exhibit ALL of the above symptoms. 
That last part ----^ I won’t say which ones…but we are experiencing ALMOST ALL!!!
There are a lot of issues that we are dealing with. Some are not even on this list. The biggest one that we have to face in public is Stranger Danger. This child KNOWS NO STRANGER!!! She has NO sense of boundaries what so ever. She will approach people who she has never met and hug them/lay her head on their shoulder…Have you ever seen a child cling to the opposite parent that gives them what they want or the one that isn’t punishing them? You know, like run behind the parent’s legs or shying away from the other parent who is coming after them? My child does this with complete strangers if she isn’t getting her way with me.
She doesn’t know personal boundaries. “Stay out of my bubble”. She invades peoples’ person space physically and by asking inappropriate or personal questions. She has placed her hands on people in areas that should NOT be touched. But she does NOT understand/comprehend that this isn’t appropriate behavior. 
The rages are new for us. We experienced a few “meltdowns” but recently the rages have started. What I mean about rages are: uncontrollable screaming, thrashing, hitting, kicking, ranting and raving, spitting, wiping snot on things, saying things that don’t make any sense what so ever. For example today she was screaming at me to stop touching her hands (always her hands). I had my back to her and wasn’t even touching her. It is exhausting to watch, listen or contain so that she doesn’t hurt herself.
There is no talking to her when it happens which is not so good for DH because he loves those lectures. LOL.
It is hard on the other children as well. The older ones really get frustrated. Or enjoy the show…depending on their mood. The younger ones are either terrified or totally baffled because no one knows what her triggers are yet.
To answer a question I had earlier, Did I learn about this in college? That would be a NO. Nothing in my degree for Social Science explained RAD. No where in the “basic training” of foster parenting did I learn about RAD. I think a lot of potential foster parents would run for the hills if they truly experienced this in training…LOL.
It affects everything now. I can’t leave my child with a “regular” babysitter. I told DH that I was afraid that someone would hurt her if they weren’t educated on dealing with these issues. But now I am thinking they might not survive.  At least they wouldn’t last long as our babysitter. But then, one thing about RAD, they appear very CHARMING to those on the “outside”.
The other thing is any “unorganized” activities. They have to be carefully thought out. I am always on pins and needles at church. We did survive Vacation Bible School that we held outside. But I had her by the hand most of the time too.
All I can say is, school starts soon…and I am thanking GOD because there is PUBLIC SCHOOL!
We’ll see how that works out next week.